A big diversity guy, that’s what I hear about Jimmy Callaway. When he took a look at the offerings for Chris Holm’s SyFy Flash Fiction Challenge and saw that ungulates were entirely unrepresented as a genus or phylum or whatever the hell they are, his sense of justice was offended. So, of course, he lept into the fray with the following (right after he slipped into his Animal Diversity League Super Hero get-up, which, as I understand, consists of a pair of ass-less chaps over a shocking pink body stocking). Anyway, the boy asked if I put this up here. Who am I to impede the progress of genius?
Coming This Summer!
by Jimmy Callaway
Coming this summer…
Deep in the forbidden wastes of central Montana, mad Doctor Rozek is in his sinister laboratory, hard at work…on TERROR!
“Doctor, what—what is that ghastly beast!”
“Elementary, my dear Miss Flatbush. It is my latest creation—the body of a rhinoceros combined with the head of a great white shark!”
“Mad, am I? Then feast your lovely eyes upon…his TWIN BROTHER!”
“Eeeeek! Gasp! Choke! Etc!”
“Senator, this just in over the wire, sir! Dr. Rozek has unleashed his twin sharknoceroses upon an unsuspecting public!”
“May God have mercy on us all!”
“Oh, and here’s your chicken parm hero.”
“On my mark, sergeant! And…FIRE!”
Neeee-ow ka-BOOM! Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat! Ka-Blooey! And so forth!
“It’s no use, sir! Those sharknoceroses have the impenetrable hides of the second half of their namesakes! Our mortar fire and large bore rounds are as fruitless as my ma’s old dead kumquat tree back home in Indiana, sir!”
“Sergeant, bring me that radio! I’m calling in…the ROBO-MONKEYS!”
Yes, the Robo-Monkeys! The crack squad of cyborg simians protecting America and all her citizens and most of the blacks! Meet:
“Robo-Monkeys, as your President and Commander-in-Chief, I have but one order for you: stop those sharknoceroses, at all costs!”
“You can count on us, sir!”
“Oh, and also, the First Lady and I would love to have you over for dinner some time.”
But even the quadrastic quad of anthropological automatons cannot defeat this dual menace alone! And so they call upon, he who stalks out of the murky depths of Hollywoodland, the great beast—GIANT PAUL LYNDE!
“I’m a fantastic star!”
“No! My creations shall never be defeated! Do your worse, infernal robotic chimps! Try as you might, fey yet 40-foot-tall ‘70s character actor! None shall defeat—the TWIN SHARKNOCEROSES!”
“Oh, give me a break, beaver-face!”
“Gary, I—I’m scared.”
“So am I, Laura. So am I. Hey, do you have an extra banana?”
“Cap’n! These sharknoceroses sure are tough! And there’s two of ‘em! What do we do now?”
“Simple, dear Murray: Giant Paul Lynde for the block!”
“Oh, shit. Nurse Tunne, call maintenance. I have sperm all over my desk again.”
This summer! Do not miss—
THE ROBO-MONKEYS AND GIANT PAUL LYNDE VS. THE TWIN SHARKNOCEROSES OF THE HIGH PLAINS!
In THREE Dimensions (void where prohibited)!